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Existential Stuff

Remarkable Information: Time Travel

January 2, 2014

Welcome to the New Years’ Edition of Remarkable Information, my friends! On this occasion, it’s helpful to remember the words of Dr. Bombay on Bewitched: “We are time’s bitch.” And I know exactly what he meant! The Past no longer exists, the Future hasn’t happened yet, and Pffffffft! There goes Now! What we are left with is a handful of memories, a digital clock that we got for our Bar Mitzvah, and a soupcon of regret that we never appeared on The Joe Franklin Show. But there’s always hope! And that’s why we make New Year’s Resolutions (a tradition started by British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli in 1877, but that’s another story!). In any event, here is Mr. Remarkable Information’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2014 (Buddhist Calendar 2557). In the coming year, I would like to…

• Learn more about the exciting field of Endocriminology, in which specialists study hormones to determine patterns of criminal behavior.
• Finally watch seasons 3 – 8 of Bonar of the North, a Canadian detective show starring Bonar Bain, the identical twin brother of TV’s Conrad Bain.
• Continue my fight to get Sue Simmons back on the evening news, at all costs!
• Remember that “at all costs” doesn’t mean going to the extremes I went to during The Great Chauncey Howell Battle of 1992.
• Confuse my friends and loved ones by saying “Damn! I’m out of snuff! Do you know if the snuff store is open this time of night? I think it’s on Court Street, right next to Popeyes. Because, boy, I could sure use a soupcon of snuff.”
• Make time to demand to see more of those Elevator Inspection Certificates they have on file in The Management’s Office. You never know who you’re gonna meet!
• Take that class at the Learning Annex that teaches you how to distinguish David Denby from Tom Bosley.
• Confuse my friends and loved ones by saying “Come to think of it, there isn’t a snuff store next to Popeyes. Really, there’s just a guy who hangs out in front of Popeyes selling snuff.”
• Try out this phrase on friends and loved ones: “Say, as long as I am going to get some snuff, do you need anything from Popeyes?”
• Complete my doctoral thesis, “Mr. Coffee, The George Foreman Grill of its’ Day: The dawn of the sports veteran as elder-statesman pitchman and how this revitalized confidence in the Establishment in the post-Watergate Era.”
• Stop my annoying habit of loudly informing people in bars that they are pronouncing “Smithwicks” incorrectly.
• Make sure that every time I order a sandwich from a Subway Sandwich Technician, I say “May I have a soupcon of mustard with that?”

And now, THE THREE-DOT ROUNDUP! Meteorologists talk about golf-ball sized hail, but I’ve never heard a sports announcer talk about a hail-sized golf ball…If there’s a classier guy in the music industry than Michael Des Barres, I’ve never met him…I have a nice feeling about Ruben Tejada making a comeback with the Metropolitans in ’14, don’t you?…Do you know who was one of the sexiest funny ladies of 1970s television? Patti Deutsch, that’s who…Is there anything sadder than the sight of a closed Carvels?… Here’s a synonym for “heroic,” “classy,” and “courageous”: Robin Roberts…There IS such a thing as Too Mucho Deniro: Hey, Bob DeNiro – I just turned on WINS, and apparently this is STILL a free country. That’s good news! It means you ARE allowed to say “no” to movie roles. Geez, Bobby, I half expect to wake up and see that you’re appearing in a remake of “Inchon”…Ralph Kiner is 91 and Don Pardo is 95, and they’re still both showing up for work, so what’s your excuse?…Has there ever been a politician with a groovier name than the last governor of Mexican California, Pio Pico?… From the promenade, I’ve never seen the downtown skyline looking anything less than majestic, in any weather!…AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE LIVING IN BROOKLYN!

(Mr. Sommer’s opinions and grasp of reality are entirely his own)

Tim Sommer has been employed to varying degrees of gainfulness as a musician, record producer, DJ, VJ, and music industry executive. He is currently working on the interactive version of his acclaimed annotated studio log of the work of Gary Lewis and the Playboys, and continues his efforts to get Mets middle reliever Terry Leach into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

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Existential Stuff

Remarkable Information: Christmas Gifts

December 21, 2013

Happy Holidays, all of you joyous Brooklynites, from Cobble Hill to Court Street, from Boerum Hill to Bed Stuy!!! Now, haven’t we all wondered how the tradition of gift giving at Christmastime began? I know I have!!! Because a Christmas without the pleasure of sharing presents is like a Spaghetti Puttanesca without the capers, or like a Hot Toddy without the cloves! You know, I tried making a Hot Toddy without the cloves, and it was a dull as a Match Game without Charles Nelson Reilly. Ha! Where was I? I sometimes get sidetracked, my friends. My doctors say this may be the result of something that happened to me at Watkins Glen in 1973. One second I was listening to the Allman Brothers…the next thing I remember I was face down in a muddy field, it was three days later, and I was crying out “Where is my string?” Apparently, I had been saying this phrase for 14 hours, without interruption.

Anyway, as far as we can tell, the tradition of exchanging gifts at Christmas began in 884 when Holy Roman Emperor Charles the Fat celebrated his victory over the rebel Engelschalk II by decreeing that all members of his royal retinue were to exchange oranges and salt to honor the birth of Christ. Now, this ‘arm’ of the Empire crumbled with Charles’ death in 888 (too bad for Big Chuck!), but with the resurrection of the Holy Roman Empire in the 10th Century, Emperor Henry the Fowler heard tales of ol’ Charles gift-giving tradition, and around 933 he decided to bring it back, specifically as a way of giving thanks for the treaty he had just signed with the troublesome Magyars. By the middle of the 12th Century, during the reign of the legendary Emperor Frederick Barbarossa, there’s strong evidence that the gift-giving habit had spread to all classes throughout the Empire (and from there to the rest of Europe).

Now…there couldn’t possibly be a Brooklyn connection to all this Imperial Chatter, could there? Why yes, there is!!! As you know, Charles the Fat was the grandson of the mighty Emperor Charlemagne, who founded the Holy Roman Empire. Through a different line of descent, John Roebling, who designed the Mighty an’ Majestic Brooklyn Bridge, claimed to be a direct descendent of Charlemagne. How about that!!! You know it’s true, because you just read it!

And now, THE THREE DOT ROUNDUP! Those Christmas lights on Montague Street are prettier than Linda Gray in a pantsuit…If anyone out there is hoarding Sriacha hot sauce, here’s a h-h-hot tip: Fresh Direct’s got plenty!!! A shot of that stuff in your Chicken’n’Stars and you’ll Thai one on!…Hey, how does a Pinch Hitter make a cake? With Sacrifice Batter!!!…Did you know that the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel is the longest continuous underwater vehicle tunnel in North America?…I know it’s not even New Years, but if anyone’s takin’ early bets for horse racing’s Triple Crown, my money’s on Almost Famous!…Is there anything more depressing than that damn “Christmas Time is Here” Peanuts song? Folks, it’s more of a downer than an audio book version of The Bell Jar read by Ian Curtis…I am a big fan of Limey Thespian Martin Freeman, but does he have to be in every movie?…Try saying ‘Limey Thespian’ three times fast!…Hey, at Puppy Birthday Parties, do the Doggie Clowns make Balloon Humans?…Did you know that one of TV’s classiest beauties, Suzanne Pleshette, was from Brooklyn Heights? AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE LIVING IN BROOKLYN!

(Mr. Sommer’s opinions and grasp of reality are entirely his own)

Tim Sommer has been employed to varying degrees of gainfulness as a musician, record producer, DJ, VJ, and music industry executive. He is currently working on the second volume of his biography of television pioneer Lee Leonard, and continues his efforts to get Sammy Petrillo a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

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Features

Remarkable Information: Dog Shaming

December 16, 2013

Dog Shaming! It’s the extraordinary trend sweeping social media! People post pictures of their dogs bearing placards explaining what strange, embarrassing, or inconvenient deeds these sad and humiliated animals have done, and everyone’s happy! You know what I’m talking about: A sweet little dachshund sits behind a handwritten sign that says “I pooped on the AC vent and made the whole bathroom smell like poop.” Another furry little bundle of smiles has a note around its’ neck saying “I hid meat in the couch.” And a particularly grim looking retriever sits behind a poster that says “I’ve eaten 2 TV remotes in the last week.”

But few people know this trend is well over half a century old, and it was started by a Brooklyn native, Dr. Allen B. DuMont! Dr. Dumont, of course, was the mastermind behind the doomed DuMont Network, which was television’s fourth network between 1946 and 1956. In 1951, the network (whose flagship station was Channel 5 in New York) needed a show to fill a fifteen-minute slot between the end of Captain Video and His Video Rangers and the (often erratically timed) beginning of Boxing From Eastern Parkway. Ol’ Dr. DuMont himself conceived of I’m A Bad Widdle Doggie, which was hosted by Chaim ‘Hy’ Silvers (the twin brother of famed funnyman Phil Silvers) and Dagmar, the blonde-bombshell who was the Anna Nicole of her day. The premise of the show was simple: ordinary people came on with their pooches and told (presumably) funny stories about their pets’ embarrassing behavior. But in reality, the show was a disaster: under the hot lights, the dogs frequently became aggressive, had accidents, dashed for the exits, and consistently performed in a manner inappropriate for live television. In an attempt to retain order amongst the chaos, Silvers and Dagmar were forced to improvise constantly and sometimes recklessly: one night this resulted in Silvers telling an only-somewhat sanitized version of Mantan Morland’s famous “Mashed Potato” joke, and the next day the show was cancelled, after only being on the air for six episodes. Hy Silvers’ career never recovered, and he ended his days emceeing kiddies’ talent shows at Mount Airy Lodge in the Poconos. But the legacy of Dog Shaming as a national pastime endured, all thanks to Brooklyn’s own Dr. Allen DuMont!

Remarkable Remarks! Call me crazy, but I prefer Blimpie to Subway…Why is it so hard to find good ol’ fashion Bazooka Bubblegum? It’s still the best, my friends…A tip of the Christmas cap to Duane Reade on Court and Montague for staying open until midnight during the holiday season!…Has there even been a sexier woman than Miss Joey Heatherton?…I’m not saying Tofu comes from outer space, but spell it backwards and you got UFO!…When are they gonna develop a post-season award that properly honors the importance of the Middle Reliever?…A morning in the Heights isn’t complete without a Banana Nut Muffin from Connecticut Muffin!…Every time someone says “Bachman Turner Overdrive” I say “Yes, please!”…I’m not saying everyone living in North Williamsburg is young, but the hippest place there is the Monkey Bars! AND THAT’S WHY I LOVE LIVING IN BROOKLYN!

(Mr. Sommer’s opinions and grasp of reality are entirely his own)

Tim Sommer has been employed to varying degrees of gainfulness as a musician, record producer, DJ, VJ, and music industry executive. He is currently recording an audio book version of his much-acclaimed four-volume biography of the pioneering vaudevillians Weber and Fields; and, with a grant from AACSM (The American Association of Celery Salt Manufacturers) he is seeking to advance awareness of the Bloody Caeser in the United States.

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